


You are (the air that I breathe)

by bluenna



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Gonna add tags as I go, M/M, alternative universe, soulmate au i think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:30:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4568019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluenna/pseuds/bluenna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m real,” Murphy says. He runs a hand down his face and grits his teeth. “I’m real, Bellamy, and you’re the only one I can reach. You help everyone, why won’t you help me?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are (the air that I breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> ok if u read this pls tell me what u think im a child with low self esteem and i need reassurance

”I’m not happy that she’s gone, but I am kind of glad. She was really annoying.”

 

“Shut up Murphy.”

Bellamy’s not in the mood for this. He’s just killed innocent people, kids, adults, and the one person who feels the same way he does has taken off. He doesn’t need an imaginary person to mock him and make him feel any worse than he already does.

“I’m just saying,” Murphy says. He jogs after Bellamy and past him, turning around so he’s jogging while facing Bellamy. “A bummer, maybe, but you don’t actually need her.”

“I said, shut up.”

Bellamy gets a funny look from one of the campers in hearing distance, but ignores it. People better get used to him being good at protecting them and being crazy.

“I’m not trying to wind you up,” Murphy says. He’s grinning, and only that makes Bellamy feel like he wants to punch something. Preferably Murphy’s face.

“Then what are you trying to do? ‘Cause you sure as hell aren’t helping.”

Murphy looks like he’s considering it. “Actually, I am trying to wind you up.” He leans closer to Bellamy’s face. “But that’s only because I’m trying to distract you.” He turns around and slows down until he’s walking beside Bellamy. “I can practically hear your thoughts. Self-hatred, not nearly as fun as you’d think it is.”

Bellamy waits until he’s passed a group of campers before answering. “I don’t hate myself.”

Murphy huffs. He extends his hand to stop Bellamy from walking, but his hand goes right through Bellamy’s chest. It’s a funny feeling, but not funny enough to make Bellamy stop. So Bellamy’s not sure why he does. He turns to look at Murphy who looks back with an unreadable expression. 

“After all this, there’s no one here who doesn’t,” Murphy says, and with a smile, vanishes.

\--

Bellamy’s never had… an imaginary friend before. He assumes that’s what it is, because he doesn’t believe in ghosts. He met Murphy soon after landing, the boy who was dark and behind everything Bellamy said, and it was a shock when one of the girls blinked at him with confusion evident in her eyes and asked who Murphy was. He’d had an existential crisis then, while Murphy had cackled behind him.

Now it’s known that Bellamy’s a bit off and talks to people who are not real. He doesn’t bother telling them that it’s not people but a person, because that wouldn’t make him sound any saner. He’s less concerned about it than he used to be. After all the mistakes he’s made he has tried to make up for them the best he can. Every loss has become harder and harder to bear and every comment Murphy makes Bellamy tries to ignore as static in the back of his mind. He’s made his peace with it, he likes to think. He’s a bit crazy, he’s killed people, and he will kill people in the future too if that means keeping his people safe. Those are just facts.

After Mount Weather it’s different, though. It’s because he knew who those people were, and the more he saw the more he knew that killing them could not be an option.

“They will kill you,” Murphy had said, staring at Bellamy from his seat at one of the tables in Mount Weather’s monitoring room. “You will either die knowing you didn’t save your people or live knowing you killed those.” He had turned his head towards the screens and Bellamy had followed his gaze to the screen showing the dining hall.

Bellamy doesn’t think they ever had any other choice.

\--

“Bellamy… Bellamy? Bellamy.” Murphy pauses and leans close to Bellamy’s face while Bellamy’s trying to eat. “Don’t ignore me, I’m bored.”

Bellamy continues ignoring him.

“I know you can hear me. You get that look on your face like you’re constipated.”

Bellamy stuffs food into his mouth.

“See? That right there. You’re getting annoyed.” Murphy sighs. “Come on, I’m at least sixty percent sure you can hear me. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be looking as pained as you are.”

Bellamy frowns. He chews for a moment and swallows. “Does that happen often?” He waves his hand at Octavia who turns to look at him and glances at Murphy.

Murphy grins. “Sometimes. A lot at the beginning, but less often these days. How does that taste?” He nods at the steak in front of Bellamy.

“It’s dry,” Bellamy says. This time three more heads turn to look at him.

“Dry,” Murphy repeats slowly, like he’s trying to figure out what that’s like. “Still good, though, right?”

Bellamy sighs and takes another piece of his food. “Go bother someone else.”

Murphy shakes his head. He sits on the ground beside Bellamy’s seat and crosses his legs. “You’re the only one who responds to me, Bells. I’m good right here.” He leans back on his hands and looks up. “What is it like up there?”

Bellamy pushes the meat towards Octavia and stands up. “I’m not hungry anymore,” he announces to the table at large, and steps over Murphy. He walks through the dining area, and it only takes a few seconds before he hears steps behind him, accompanied by Murphy’s voice. 

“How big is the earth?”

Bellamy keeps on walking. A few more steps and he’s left the area behind and a moment of walking later he’ll be alone.

“Bellamy.”

“What?” Bellamy almost growls. He’s getting sick of this. Sick of never being alone, never being able to just breathe and be. He doesn’t understand what’s wrong with him.

Murphy appears in front of him. Not by walking or running, just… one minute he’s behind Bellamy and the next his right before him and Bellamy stops reflectively like he would run into the guy. He almost starts walking again, but the look on Murphy’s face keeps him from walking through him. Murphy looks lost and angry at the same time, and he’s looking down at his feet instead of at Bellamy.

“I’m real,” Murphy says. He runs a hand down his face and grits his teeth. “I’m real, Bellamy, and you’re the only one I can reach. You help everyone, why won’t you help me?”

Bellamy doesn’t say anything. He watches as Murphy flinches like someone has hit him and dissolves into thin air.

\--

Bellamy has thought about the possibility of Murphy being real. After seeing the earth for the first time he felt like anything could be possible, right until everything went to shit and he was left with nothing but doubt about everything and everyone. There was a time when he followed Murphy around the forest looking for a body, looking for anything that could proof Murphy was real. When he found nothing and only heard Murphy’s sarcastic remarks in his ears he gave up and focused on the real matters at hand.

Now he’s back at that point, at the point where he spends the night wondering if what he sees is real, if Murphy’s real, and he feels like he’s going crazy if he already isn’t. Murphy’s not anywhere to be seen or heard, and Bellamy hopes he’s gone for good, and then feels guilty about it, then angry at himself for being an idiot. Ghosts are not real, spirits are not real, nothing he’s seen here indicates as much, and he will just have to face the truth that he’s out of his mind and Murphy’s just a fragment of his mind. A messed up, desperate, beyond saving fragment of his mind.

He closes his eyes and the doubt claws at him from the inside. He feels it as he falls asleep, and he feels it when he wakes up.

\--

“Compatibles,” Lincoln says as he sits across from Bellamy during breakfast. He doesn’t say anything further until Bellamy asks him what he means. “It happens sometimes, when your other half is asleep or in danger.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bellamy tells him. He looks up at the cloudy sky and wonders if it’s going to rain that day.

“Your visions,” Lincoln clarifies. 

Bellamy slowly turns to look at him, and Lincoln bites onto his fruit.

“Your sister told me about the person who’s been haunting you.”

“That’s nice,” Bellamy mutters.

“She said you think he’s not real, but he is. It’s… one of world’s ways to keep the balance between life and death. He’s not meant to die.”

Bellamy closes his eyes. He can’t believe this. Why is Lincoln telling him this? It’s a joke, Bellamy thinks, it has to be. “And what am I supposed to do about that?”

“You find him,” Lincoln says like it’s obvious.

Joke's on him, Bellamy already tried that. It had lead to nothing but headache. Still, he wants to know. “How will I do that?”

Lincoln glances at him, then turns his gaze towards Octavia, who’s walking through the mass of tables towards them. He gets up and looks down at Bellamy, the half-eaten fruit in his hand. “You ask him.”

Bellamy watches as he walks away.

\--

“Guns look nice,” Murphy says. He’s standing almost pressed through Bellamy, only an inch between them. “I wonder what it feels like to be shot.”

Bellamy tears his eyes from the practice and focuses on Murphy. The boy looks worn out and bruised. There’s a scar running down the side of his face and Bellamy wonders where that came from.

“How can I help you?” he asks before his mind catches up with his mouth.

Murphy stiffens beside him. He watches the people trying to shoot the pieces of metal from the fence and after a moment Bellamy doubting he heard him at all.

“I don’t know if you can,” Murphy says at last. “I’m not smart like you, you figure it out.” He pushes his hands into the pockets of his jeans and shakes his head to get his hair out of his face. Bellamy’s not sure if he’s a part of his imagination anymore. “I tried before, didn’t I?” Murphy turns his head and grins at Bellamy. 

It feels like someone has punched the air right of Bellamy, and now he’s sure, he’s sure Murphy’s real. He’s as sure of it as he is about the blueness of the sky and the deadliness of his sister.

“Come on,” Bellamy says. He starts walking towards the gates, pawing at his waist to make sure he has his gun with him.

“Where are you going?” Murphy asks. He runs after Bellamy, glancing behind him at the people practicing shooting. “What are you-“

Bellamy stops abruptly and turns around. Murphy comes to a halt early enough not to run right through him. “I’m going to find you,” Bellamy says, the words flowing out of him like they’ve waited forever to be said. “I promise you.”

For the first time in months Murphy follows Bellamy in silence.


End file.
